Thursday, April 26, 2007

I've Got Friends In Low Places...

About two years ago, I decided to write a book based upon a theory I held at the time that every person was completely capable of making every single dream they ever had, or, for that matter, ever would have,come true. This, of course, was well before the primary concern in my life became where I was going and why I was in this hand-basket. I still believe every dream can come true though, namely because I’ve discovered just how much control we have over our experiences here on this earth. And this is good news, except when it’s terrible news.

Its good news when we are positive, and thus, creating a positive experience for ourselves, and for those who are fortunate enough to come into contact with us. Positive begat positive begat positive, the more joyful energy you put out into the world, the more you convince the world that what you’re after is a positive experience. God, and all the other amazing energies and entities that make up this incredible Universe of ours, want us to be happy, therefore, they only give us that which we ask for. Unfortunately, most of us go through life constantly asking the Universe/God for the exact opposite of what we desire; then mumbling about how hard done by we are, and how we never win anything or get anything we want.

Little do we know, we are getting precisely what we’ve asked for…the experience of wanting to win & wanting to have. The winners in this grand old world of ours are the people who decide what they want, and then decide they are going to have what they want regardless of what may stand in their way. They never deviate, they never falter, they never doubt. They simply decide to get what they desire, and then do so. This attitude truly is the secret to a happy journey filled with the most amazing experiences and wonderful adventures a person could hope to have.

I myself lost the plot on this one for a spell; as a direct result of being physically ill, I allowed myself to believe my life would now amount to nothing because of my circumstances. In allowing myself to believe I was nothing, I started behaving as if I were nothing. Unfortunately, the moment I began behaving as nothing, certain people began treating me as nothing; further making me feel I was nothing, so confirmed their belif that I am nothing and round and round we go. And, as much as I’d like to think myself completely and utterly unique, I’ve witnessed a few of those about me clinging desperately to the same downwards spiral; all the while fervently denying their on any type of downward curve at all.

Denial is the vicious circle’s best friend, let’s face it now. The minute we start denying things and making ourselves out to be something we’re not, we’re starting that nasty circle going. People lie to themselves and each other a good portion of the time. Every one of us lies, however the degrees vary. Some of us only lie in the sense that we’ll say “fine” or “good” when asked how we’re doing, even if, in all honesty we’re really feeling pants. Some others still lie because they feel a need to cover up their own inadequacies with falsehoods which present them in, what they consider to be, a better light. Still more do it to hide who they are, preventing those around them from ever knowing the true them, therefore ensuring they can never truly be rejected for who they are, because not one person about them has the foggiest idea who they really are.

And all of these things, all of these various lies, go on around us each and every day without our fully realizing the impact they with inevitably have. Considering we speak to the Universe/God each and every minute of each and every day through our words, thoughts and actions; false thinking, which leads to insincere actions, will inexorably also present the wrong message to the Universe/God. When one stops to think that God does indeed grant all prayers and all wishes, it’s a relatively easy leap to the realization that, through our own actions, we have created our own miseries.

That said, not all things which, at the onset, present themselves as negative things really are. In fact, a good lot of the so called crises that take place in our lives do so in order to create change; something most people have a difficult time manifesting on their own. It is said change begins at the end of your comfort zone, and I have to say, I believe that 100%. In the past two or three weeks, there have been lots of changes taking place in my life, and at first I thought them all very negative. That’s something that I’ve found really evolving and reshaping itself this past two/three weeks; my perceptions of people, places and things.

A few weeks ago, I found myself the target of some vicious rumors, bad assumptions and ill conceived notions. To make matters worse, I soon discovered the source of all the bother was, in fact, two individuals I believed to be my close friends. At first, my emotions knew not what to do with themselves, and began misfiring in every direction all at once. Anger, betrayal, hurt, disgust, rageful, devastated, shattered, aghast, confused, bewildered, and feeling as though I'd missed an important event(s)in my own bloody life!!! In many ways, the whole thing felt like far too much to handle, especially considering where my physical health is at right at the moment.

For what seemed like an eternity, I moped about the house a shattered girl; breaking down and crying so often I feared I would never stop. It was like a damn had burst inside me, made up of all the fears I’ve had to endure health-wise, all the emotional pain of knowing two people I care about were building this horrible gossip together while I was in the city trying to take care of my health. That was one of the worst things, I think, the unwanted visions I got of them laughing at me, talking the piss out of me, and actually intending to hurt me this way. It’s somehow easier to take a blow in life if you a) know precisely what the blow is, and b) if the person delivering the painful blow isn’t doing it with the intent to hurt. This whole situation just seemed like something out of a movie, something the villians on a soap mighht do; but surely not something two people I’ve grown very close to would do to me, right? Right??? RIGHT??!!!

All these emotions grew and grew, and with them, my life began to gets more and more difficult to manage. All I could focus on was getting one of them to tell me what on earth was said that was strong enough to ruin eight and two years, collectively, of friendship? The harder I attempted to find the answer to that question, the harder I felt my friends pulling back; the harder I felt my mates pulling back, the more painful the whole situation got. And then, one day, I called a really good friend of mine who’s known me for a great many years, hoping to get her take on the situation. After hearing everything I had to say, there was a long pause on the line, causing me to utter a tentative “hello?” into the receiver.

“Dee, if these two ladies aren’t willing to tell you what it is that’s made them so angry with you, it’s likely because they aren’t entirely sure themselves. Go back to your CWG studies, and remember to deal with this situation with love, compassion and understanding. Remember the two questions everybody should be asking themselves before doing anything: Is this who I really am?” and “What would love do now?”

It wasn’t an easy thing to hear, namely because, at the time, I’d felt sorry for myself for so long it was difficult to break the cycle. Secondly, when a person opts to deal with a situation with compassion, understanding and love, I think it’s pretty bloody imperative to have both sides of the story!!! (Which is really my way of saying I want them to do the work here, not me!)And what that attitude tells God/the Universe is that I want to continue feeling betrayed and wronged, and I want them to apologize for talking behind my back at a time when I really needed them the most. Unfortunately, all of those statements are judging statements, and, at the end of the day, judging statements, allegations and anger are only going to craft more of the same. Worse still, as long as I'm waiting on someone else in the sitution to do something to correct things, I'm giving away my power; because now, I'm completely dependant on someone else doing something in order for me to feel happy. How ludicrous is that? No one should ever be willing to give their power away like that, ever!

So, where did that leave me? In a place where I could finally do something about a situation I’ve felt utterly helpless over since it first began. I still haven’t a clue what kicked me mates off like that, nor do I know whether they’re taking a wee break, or plan on just never speaking to me again (which truly would break my heart in wee pieces). I do, however, know that both of these ladies were good friends to me at one time, and that both of them have hearts and minds and emotions just as I do, just as we all do. I also know that at least one of them (and quite likely the other as well) is rather a lonely darling, and as such will tend to do whatever it takes to make friends; as evidenced by her making friends with a lass she had most unsavory words for not a fortnight or two ago.

I also know that whatever’s happened, it’s happened for a reason. I am meant to be precisely where I am at this moment in time, which means, this event with my friends was also meant to happen. Given that, I also know everything will work out fine in the end, as long as I handle the situation with love, understanding and compassion. I could judge them for what I perceive to be ‘wrongs’ against me, but judgment passed is like a sentence passed, you can’t take it back. This has been very difficult for me because, having been bullied in school, I have a huge fear of rejection. To have someone who honestly knows all about me, including my secrets and sins, reject my friendship after this many years is devastating, but it’s not the end of the world.

I have faith that these people are good people. I’ve known one of them for nearly eight years,(the other for nearly three,) and, during that time, anytime there have been problems, we’ve talked it out with one and other. There was one incident where one of them went MIA for a spell, but when she returned she said it was simply a break and nothing I had done. That said, I have faith that we will have an opportunity to talk this out and get things sorted once and for all. These people are not evil people, and I can’t believe they really would do something to hurt me…I don’t want to believe that, and so I refuse too! I believe that everything in this life will work out for the best and better. Until this is sorted, I send white light their way every day the very instant I sense a ‘poor me’ or ‘bad them’ moment pulling me in. They are not bad people, I don’t have bad, nasty people as friends for years and years. They are good people and they are also blunt people, so they will tell me what has gone on, all in good time! Until then, as I say, it’s sending white light and love and focusing on continuing to clean this mess I call a home and continue working with wee one on her modules so she can be back in regular school come fall! While I do all that, traveling to the city once in a while to take care of my health, I just need to focus on the fact that both of these girls are nice, decent, good people who wouldn’t do anything to hurt me; so we will sort this mess out and continue to be friends for each other.

Friends should always be there, through the good, the bad, and the ugly. They never judge, never assume, and never intentionally hurt one and other. Though they will have their differences, their fights, and their times when they just need some space, at the end of the day, their bond will still be too strong for anything to put it asunder. They laugh, cry, talk and share a journey together, showing each other their faults and helping each other correct them in a loving and compassionate way.

I must stop feeling badly for myself, because it is in this that I’ve created a role of victim, and I’m not a bloody victim!! Unfortunately, when you act like something and talk like something, you more than likely have become that something. This is information that causes me to want to retch, but it’s also imperative to my personal growth, and my personal journey. I need to be strong again, in body, in mind, and in spirit. Due to the nature of my health problems, it will be a fight, but I know it will be one well worth it in the end.

Friday, April 13, 2007

Going Crazy in a One Horse Town...

It’s been a different kind of a month, this has. One minute, everything seems to be going perfectly, and the next, I’m sure I’m headed for certain disaster. The only thing remaining steadfast, as always, is my role on this universe as mother. It is also the only thing which, regardless of situation or circumstance, I’ve never for one instant regretted or wished away. My daughter has always been my saving grace; this time is no different.

The kind of month I’ve had is the kind of month that gives a person either strong reason to reflect, or strong urges to run. I’ve had the distinct pleasure of experiencing both extremes…sometimes all within a five-minute period! A good friend of mine keeps telling me that I’m expecting rational behavior from irrational people…however my own mind can’t help but wonder if it isn’t me being the irrational one here. As a woman suffering from low self-esteem, I can’t help but wonder if everything that happens isn’t somehow my fault. Because ultimately, I control the universe, and as such, must take responsibility for the actions of all human beings contained hereon.

My struggle this month has been refocusing my attention on myself and my daughter, which is precisely where it needs to be…and precisely where my mind doesn’t wish to be; all at the same time. Give me time! I CAN solve all the worlds’ problems! God, in His/Her/It’s infinite wisdom, gives us care and control of but one being during our stay here…ourselves. Unfortunately, I seem to be having an intensely difficult time both recognizing, and coping, with this happy little truth.

If things carry on in this vein, I am going to have to have a very firm, abrupt little talk with myself. If I refuse to listen, I’m going to have no other recourse than to force me to do one thousand lines, all of which will say, in big bold letters: I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR THE THOUGHTS OR ACTIONS OF ANYBODY EXCEPT MYSELF. I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR…. Et al.

It’s damn hard to remember that, I find, particularly when those about you aren’t acting in the fashion you’d have chosen for them. I do think, however, that we can influence the thoughts and actions of those around us with our own thoughts and actions; which is why it’s so fucking important to remember we ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR THE THOUGHT AND ACTIONS OF ANYBODY EXCEPT OURSELVES. WE ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR…et al.

When I forget this and try to involve myself in the thoughts and actions of others, I tend not to monitor my own with anything like the care and attention I should. Once that happens, it becomes incredibly easy for things to quickly spin out of control. I’ve also relearned the lesson about individuals who feel the need to repeat something again and again to you, more often than not, being guilty of precisely the thing the feel the need to incessantly tell you they could or would, never do.

I’ve allowed myself, over the years, to play a victim role well. Though I believed I had managed to move past that point in my life, it is now crystal clear to me that I had not. The only change I had made was that I stopped dating abusers. Just because I stopped playing the victim for the men in my life, however, doesn’t mean I stopped playing the victim altogether…in fact, despite my own necessary (at the time) denial, it doesn’t mean that AT ALL. In all actuality, the only thing I had changed was whom I played the victim for.

Instead of allowing boyfriends to play the “come here, come here….ah ah ah…get away, get away” game, I started letting certain friends do it. I selected them carefully, or rather we selected each other. The only ones getting away with the behavior were the ones prone to outbursts, capable, and willing, to employ the silent treatment, and happy to have me spend lots money I couldn’t afford on gifts for them or their family while they forget my birthday, and other important occasions.

In these relationships, I made my own choices. My arms were not twisted to buy gifts, or accept unacceptable behaviors. It was a choice I made, and, like all bad choices, it came around to bite me right in the ass. This is partly because all dynamics of this sort must come to an end, and partly because, while I spent all my time thinking about other people, and what I thought they really ought to be doing, I forgot to properly monitor myself. Given that I do suffer from a disassociative disorder, monitoring my own actions/words/ thoughts is VERY, VERY, I CAN’T STRESS THIS ENOUGH, VERY IMPORTANT!!

When I fail to properly monitor myself, people start to see that disorder in different ways, none of them especially endearing, I assure you. One way is the victim mentality I can develop, which can cause those around me to subconsciously develop the perp mentality. Another is, because I will forget I’ve said certain things, and will be switching inside myself enough for me to be putting different points of view from what I’ve said ten minutes ago in front of people. Individuals not familiar with, or understanding about, my disorder are naturally going to have the most difficult time dealing with the symptoms thereof. To be fair, I haven’t told certain friends about the disorder, namely because I got the feeling certain ones were talking behind my back to their friends, and it unsettled me. I got confirmation that this was, in fact, the case not that long ago. As with all things, I blame myself. Befriend a gossip with a taste for libations, and expect a crash of some sort to happen, particularly if the right person to gossip with happens along.

I’d love to be angry about that particular situation, but I can’t be. The situation and the players therein, happened as a result of the individuals involved choosing to believe something they themselves made up as opposed to hearing the truth. Am I to be furious that they won’t listen to what I have to say, let alone grab the balls to tell precisely what it is they have their knickers in such a knot about? Not so much. I asked what had them so riled, was given a run about answer full of assumption, asked again, and received no answer whatsoever. I take this to mean the individuals involved are not in the place to hear me at the moment, and that’s their God given right. Just as it is mine to ignore them.

Hopefully, one day soon, we can sort this matter, and get back to the business of being friends, though only one of them would really be welcome, and then only because, having known this person so long, I know they really do have a kind heart and aren’t like this. I also know I’ve helped them to become the way they now are with me by playing the victim. It is time to change things in the friendship, yes, but I’d just as soon not lose it altogether. That said, only time and, hopefully, conversation will tell.

It’s an interesting thing, losing people you love in your life. Made even more interesting by the fact my health has reached a level where pain and pain control both aids me into a sort of interested nonchalance about the whole issue. The kind of attitude you might expect from an onlooker to the situation, oddly enough. I think it’s to do, also, with the fact I’ve been too hurt before, and thus, this here is nothing short of what was expected.

Hopefully, the time spent working on myself and caring for my family will help this matter also. I firmly believe working on one thing at a time, and slugging it out so you’re tired in a good way at the end of the day is all it takes to work out most situations. I don’t know for sure if it will work this one out as well, but I can only work on what’s in front of me, and the rest has to wait.

I believe I have a lot of work to do on myself. Hopefully, by the time things are sorted with my best mate, I’ll be on a lot firmer ground personally and professionally. It’s needed, I think, for the friendship to continue along productive lines. I can not spend time in the “oh yah? Well, you didn’t call me for two months and then, after letting me worry myself sick for all that time; you come back with “oh, I was taking a break, nothing personal mate! And you should have heard what your new best friend there said about you then!! Oh and after getting up in my face for forgetting your b-day one-year, you forget mine when I’m in ailing health…. Thanks loads!” Because, at the end of the day, both of us had our reasons for doing whatever it is we did, or we wouldn’t have done it. By the time things are sorted with my best mate, I need this kind of petty tallying to be in the past, and firmly so. I also need the junior high gossip to end. None of it is productive to growth, or productive to spiritual and emotional health. We don’t feel good when we hurt people; it’s just human nature to feel that way. So, it stands to reason that one way of feeling really good is to be kind, compassionate and caring to all you meet. That’s what I want for this friendship.

Whether or not such a thing is possible remains to be seen. I’ll keep you posted, though, Internet!

Loads of love,

Dee Janey

Thursday, March 22, 2007

The Horned Teenage Beast Approacheth

I haven’t written anything here for a long time. It’s funny how sometimes certain things in our lives get dropped when we are experiencing stress. For myself, when stress hits, I tend to forget I own a vacuum or duster, quietly waiting to see how long it takes before the entire house is consumed by laundry. Through this rigorous and studious research, I have discovered it takes precisely three weeks before our carpet dons a colorful and happy coat compiled entirely of wee little socks, knickers, along with various other items of dirty clothing.

Children seem to know when their mothers are residing on the edge of a cliff, and make it their business to push them off that cliff onto the jagged dirty little socks below. This past month, I think my daughter has managed to get her behind into bed and to sleep at a decent hour precisely one time. I’d like to be optimistic and assure you that the one time she did head to bed at a decent hour; she did as a show of love for her rather shattered mother. The truth of the matter, however, remains that Puddin’ fell into bed exhausted that night as a direct result of being up for the entirety of the night prior.

My little one is also fast approaching that horrible phase of life commonly referred to as ‘teenage-hood’. I prefer to think of it as ‘the decade in which my sweet little daughter was replaced by Zulu, Queen of the Evil Dwarf People.’ This afternoon, I suggested that, considering I didn’t feel sticking to one’s computer chair by the force of one’s own stench was normal, little one might do well to perform that radical act we mere mortals refer to as ‘bathing.’ No sooner had the suggestion escaped my lips than my daughter’s head began to spin around and the demon within ventured out long enough to say: “There will be no bathing for the Lord of Darkness, you mortal fool….wahahahahaha!!” When I did finally wrestle her into the tub, I swear the water sizzled.

Dung beetles have an interesting habit. When their children reach teenage-hood, the beetle’s parents quietly dig a large hole in the ground, shove their young into said hole, bury them, and then promptly forget about them until they have reached adulthood. This, my friends, is where the insect world teaches us human beings a thing or two. Imagine never having to endure the teenage years again!! The streets void of green hair, Mohawks, and adolescent speak. Words such as “sick”, “off the hook”, and “my Holmes,” reverting back to meaning “unwell”, “a coat that has fallen” and “more than one residence.” Parents would no longer be forced into hours of argument in order to retain the use of the home phones they both own and pay for.

The freedom!! The freed up time!! The lack of annoyance and stress!! Oh Sweet Jesus, YES!!

IF the option was really open to us, though, how many of us would actually take it? I know I wouldn’t…for two reasons. The first being that I would miss my little grump ball far too much whilst she ran in her pen underground, and secondly, children kept underground cannot be bitched about or at…and really, doesn’t that sort of suck all the fun out of having them in the first place???