*The following is a post I did some time ago and sadly then promptly forgot to post. As such, there are references to the Big Brother Finale being “tonight” that, without this explanation, have a very good chance of making me look a little senile. In truth, I am not senile…I am simply very, very, very, very, very lazy. There’s a big difference. Senility means that you intend to do something and then, most unfortunately, find yourself putting your underpants on your head instead. Laziness means that you intend to do something, however always think that tomorrow would be a MUCH better day to do it, especially if someone might be visiting tomorrow that could do it for you.*
First and foremost, allow me to apologize for the long span of time that has been allowed to occur between posts. If it’s any consolation whatsoever, I’ve had a stern talk with me…I know I was rather hard on me, but I darn well deserved it! The whole thing ended with me promising profusely to get on to the updating more regularly; though I was skeptical of me, I decided to give me just one more chance to prove myself. As a result of my delinquent posting, there is a plethora of news that I have to add now over the course of the next few days. I am ashamed to admit that part of my failure to post as regularly is Big Brother All-Stars, for which I have now acquiesced live feeds. I like to think it’s the voyeur within me that caused me to turn into a woman possessed as I begged, cried and threatened to shrivel up into an enormous heap of sobbing flesh until I got the live feeds safely installed on the computer.
Since the arrival of the live feeds into our lives, I’ve begun to notice a rather fascinatingly disturbing phenomenon taking place. The first sign that something was amiss came in the form of my daughter asking if cinnamon bun dough could be her supper because she could make that herself and then I wouldn’t have to leave the Big Brother house to help her. At that moment, I felt like the worst mother in the entire world. As I roused myself from the computer desk in order to make little one supper, I noted that vast amounts of cat hair and other bits had settled themselves into the carpet. Never mind the mess I was in, with a pair of old jogging pants that are about twelve sizes too big, my hair piled on top of my head because it’s too greasy to do much else with and not a stitch of make up on. Now, this type of obsession might be considered somewhat understandable, if not acceptable, had the house guests been engaging in wickedly exciting conversations, lots of action, and perhaps a few juicy arguments. If all that was happening, perhaps people could relate to my sitting by the computer until my body gives out and I have to move to the bed to watch. However, none of this is happening on the live feeds. NOTHING AT ALL is happening on the live feeds, really.
Occasionally, I get the fabulous opportunity to observe Erika or Mike picking their noses, but other than that, nothing of note really goes on. Why I am so completely addicted to them, I honestly can’t tell you. I think it’s the idea that you have the inside information that a lot of people don’t have. Even if the inside information is complete drudgery, you still can’t help sort of feeling somewhat important that you know it just the same. At the present moment, I am writing this blog entry and observing both of the houseguests sleeping in various locations about the house. (I know, exhilarating isn’t it?) Actually, the whole Big Brother excitement is something that I find rather dumbfounding. Realistically, all the show consists of is as bunch of strangers sharing a living space and trying to keep themselves from getting voted off. Now, granted, I don’t face the wrath of another housemate where I reside, but I too could easily harbor the fear of eviction…all I’d have to do is miss a couple of rent payments.
So, we’re really watching a group of people living as though they hadn’t paid their rent, only they are doing it in one big house…all together…with video cameras everywhere. Other than that, it’s just like my life, except, of course, that it’s only me, little one and the cat in my house, and no one magically drops off food every so often despite how often I’ve wished someone would to save me the pain of going out to the grocery store. It’s not going to the grocery store I mind, it’s not even grocery shopping that I mind; what I mind is that each and every time I go to the grocery store, I land up behind some fat lady named Bertha who is desperately trying to get those chocolate bars she’s buying for ten cents cheaper per dozen. Unfortunately, this whole scene eventually starts to really get to me…to the point where I am moving past the point of visualizing myself beating her with my crutch and moving to the point of actually physically beating the snot out of her with my crutch. Even more unfortunately than all of this, beating some fat lady at the grocery store with your crutch because she stupidly would not stop beaking off about the price of bonbons is one of those things that Canada considers against the law. You and I know that whoever made that law hasn’t ever been stuck behind that lady at the grocery store, but it is a law, and because it is a law we are bound to follow it regardless of how unfair it may be. However, as none of this has anything to do with Big Brother, I digress.
This past month has been a flurry of Big Brother activity, and the entire time I was watching the show, I was hoping against hope that somebody somewhere would pull out a crutch and beat the hell out of Janelle for me. She wasn’t standing around a grocery store arguing about the price of the incredible amount of chips she was consuming; however she was causing me severe psychological damage with her continued annoying presence. Given that I genuinely liked Will, Janelle’s final move prior to being voted out hardly inspired me to make joyful expressions of exaltation. Her finally being voted out, however, certainly did fill me with an enormous amount of euphoria and glee. The mere fact that I had these types of emotional responses towards a television show has given me cause to spend some time re-evaluating my sanity.
Tonight, we are supposed to be viewing the question and answer portion of the finale, wherein the evicted houseguests that remained in the sequester house as part of the jury will question the two final houseguests. Usually, this portion of the game gets a little heated, namely because, although you do have some members of the jury that have been in the sequester house away from the emotions of the game for a good long while, you also have those houseguests that were in the Big Brother house up to two days prior to this question and answer period. Those houseguests often feel slighted or hurt by the way they went out and, of course, by the fact that they have lost their opportunity to win $500,000.00. I’m curious to see how they all react tonight, including Mike Boogie and Erika Landin, the final two houseguests. From what I understand, Janelle’s blurb to Erika should be quite juicy!!
I wonder why it is we, as a society, get so wrapped up in shows such as Big Brother, or Survivor. Certainly, there’s that element of voyeurism that piques our curiosity at the onset, but following that initial interest, it’s the characters themselves that capture us. I think that watching Big Brother is something many people enjoy for a few basic reasons, the first is, of course, the voyeurism; but beyond that initial response, I think that Big Brother gives people the opportunity to almost play the game along with the houseguests. Because the game itself is so basic, individuals can easily put themselves into the houseguests shoes and think about what move they would make in the same given situation, or how they might react to that person if they said that to them. It’s the element of familiarity that we feel with individuals going through something we can identify with. Given that we can all identify with living with people in a roommate type situation, we naturally connect with the houseguests. This connection grows exponentially stronger when the houseguests begin to experience emotional up and downs on camera because once they react on an emotional level, they become human as well as being people experiencing a familiar situation. On top of all of this, their lives are not our lives, and therefore they provide a nice escape from the real world.
Escaping from the real world can sometimes be of the most paramount importance. It’s not that you don’t want to deal with life; it’s more that for that moment in time, you need to feel alright and sometimes allowing yourself to just enjoy something like this helps you to do that in a safe, non-chemical fashion. To quote Martha Stewart: “That’s a good thing.”
Tuesday, September 19, 2006
Saturday, August 19, 2006
Happy Birthday Thoroughly Modern Millie!!
Millie Garfield turned 81 on Friday, August 18th!!! To celebrate this wonderful ladies birthday, I thought I’d write her a wee poem. This poem is a celebration of all that Millie has taught me through her humor, wit and inability to open things!!
I LOVE YOU MODERN MILLIE!! HAVE A FANTASTIC EIGHTY-FIRST YEAR AND MANY HAPPY RETURNS!!! Please click on the title of this post to visit Millie's blog! It's well worth the click! (I am stealing all the exclamation points in the universe in this post. I hope that there are no documents going without because of my exclamation point hoarding, but a birthday is an event that requires many!!!!!!!!!!!!)
I. How to smile in the face of adversity, and keep on keeping on. Thank-you,Millie, for coming into my life through your blog at a time when adversity had me down, and teaching me that no adversity in life can make me feel useless without my express permission.
II. Always make light of those things that frustrate us, particularly if it is possible to do so in video format…
III. Particularly when said video has the chance of including Millie spraying her glasses with a perfume she previously couldn’t open. Thank-you Millie, for teaching me that laughing at the little frustrations in life robs them of their power to upset us.
IV. Participate in all the wonderful things in life, missing nothing and enjoying every day you are given. Millie, thank you for having so much zest for life, and in this way, teaching me how to love my own.
V. You can be beautiful and elderly at the same time, particularly if your name is Millie Garfield, who, at eighty-one still looks as though she's in her mid-fifties! (Oil of Olay, eat your heart out!!) Thank-you, Millie, for teaching me that age and beauty are not mutually exclusive entities!
VI. Bring a smile with you wherever you go. It is the most important thing any of us will ever wear, and lights up the faces of those around you. Thank-you, Millie, for showing me, through the power of your own beautiful smile, how incredibly infectious a good mood can be.
VII. Instead of lamenting about the complications of today’s world, smile and remember a simpler time where Green Mansions and a driver made for all the laughter and love in the world. Millie, thank-you for teaching me that
remembering beauty is far more important than lamenting inevitabilities.
VIII. Recall the beautiful memories of a loved one that’s passed over instead of dwelling on the pain of having to say good-bye to that person. This keeps them alive in your heart and strengthens your soul. Thank-you, Millie, for teaching me how to let go with love, and so keep those dear to us with us forever in spirit.
IX. The past is like an old photo album, and, just like a photo album, it should only be taken out and looked at if you can remember the events and people contained therein fondly and with tenderness. Millie, thank-you for showing me that the only memories worth keeping are the ones that fill my heart with gladness.
X. Health and happiness are choices, not circumstance. If carrying eighty-one years doesn’t stop Millie, than crutches and a bad back sure as heck aren’t going to stop me!!Thank-you, Millie for teaching me that the strength of my spirit is my choice, and mine alone!
XI. Daily life can get all of us down, but daily laughing can just as easily bring us back up again. Millie Garfield makes me laugh as much as the cat that shares her last name. Thank-you, Millie, for bringing so much laughter into my life.
XII. As long as you have a working mind and loving heart, you are never alone in the world. Thank you for teaching me the value of myself, Millie; until you and your blog came into my life; it was a commodity I devalued far too
much!
XIII. You may not be able to control all the events in your life, but you can sure control how you react to them. Thank-you, Millie, for teaching me that happiness is not a destination; it’s the way you travel.
XIV. Make the statements you feel you need to make with love and kindness. You never know when what you have to say will be the exact thing someone else needs to hear. Thank you, Millie, for teaching me that speaking my mind doesn’t have to mean turning the air blue, and in so doing, giving me the gift of a lot
more power and class.
XV. In all things, to thine own self be true. Thank-you, Millie, for just being you, and in so doing, giving me the strength to do the same.
XVI. Love is the most powerful force in all the world. If you love all things, all things you love will be softened by your touch. Thank-you, Millie, for teaching me to be a little softer, and give more love in my writing. You have changed my writing style for the better, and my heart for the best.
XVII. Let others love you, it will enhance all you all and all you do. Thank-you, Millie, for reminding me to let others into my life. Before you came along, my anger over my circumstances led me to shut people out of my life. You
have helped me to re-open my heart and soul. Thank-you for this wonderful gift, Millie...words can not express how it has changed me.
XVIII. In all things, let there be a life lesson. Thank-you, Millie, for your ability to find the lessons in every day life, and in so doing, teaching me to do the same.
XIX. Each thing in life is neither good nor bad, it is merely a challenge sent to teach guide you. Rejoice in these challenges, for they have created the wonderful person you are! Thank-you, Millie, for teaching me to accept my disability with grace; to learn from it rather than loathe it. You have made my life rich again.
For all these wonderful gifts Millie has given me through her poignant writing, her witty videos and her fun-loving nature, this poem seems rather a sparse return. Millie has faced much in her eighty-one years, overcoming her many challenges in life with a grace few can manage. She has had losses in her life that would have left many gasping for breath, proclaiming bitterly “I can’t do it!!” Yet, never once have I read an entry in her blog that so much as alludes to defeat. Defeat is not a word in Millie’s vocabulary. She has lived an extraordinary life simply because she has touched so very many of us with her hope, her laughter and her love. I cannot repay her for the many gifts and lessons she has given me at a time when I needed these lessons the most. I can, however, thank her from the very bottom of my heart and soul for giving me hope again, and teaching me that carrying on is all we can do; but carrying on with laughter and love is the best we can do. Happy Birthday, Millie!! It’s is such a pleasure to know you through your writing, and such a gift to read your blog. May you enjoy another eighty-one wonderful years, and may they all be filled with the same hope, love and laughter you have given your readers.
With much love and gratitude,
Yet another faithful Modern Millie Fan!!
I LOVE YOU MODERN MILLIE!! HAVE A FANTASTIC EIGHTY-FIRST YEAR AND MANY HAPPY RETURNS!!! Please click on the title of this post to visit Millie's blog! It's well worth the click! (I am stealing all the exclamation points in the universe in this post. I hope that there are no documents going without because of my exclamation point hoarding, but a birthday is an event that requires many!!!!!!!!!!!!)
I. How to smile in the face of adversity, and keep on keeping on. Thank-you,Millie, for coming into my life through your blog at a time when adversity had me down, and teaching me that no adversity in life can make me feel useless without my express permission.
II. Always make light of those things that frustrate us, particularly if it is possible to do so in video format…
III. Particularly when said video has the chance of including Millie spraying her glasses with a perfume she previously couldn’t open. Thank-you Millie, for teaching me that laughing at the little frustrations in life robs them of their power to upset us.
IV. Participate in all the wonderful things in life, missing nothing and enjoying every day you are given. Millie, thank you for having so much zest for life, and in this way, teaching me how to love my own.
V. You can be beautiful and elderly at the same time, particularly if your name is Millie Garfield, who, at eighty-one still looks as though she's in her mid-fifties! (Oil of Olay, eat your heart out!!) Thank-you, Millie, for teaching me that age and beauty are not mutually exclusive entities!
VI. Bring a smile with you wherever you go. It is the most important thing any of us will ever wear, and lights up the faces of those around you. Thank-you, Millie, for showing me, through the power of your own beautiful smile, how incredibly infectious a good mood can be.
VII. Instead of lamenting about the complications of today’s world, smile and remember a simpler time where Green Mansions and a driver made for all the laughter and love in the world. Millie, thank-you for teaching me that
remembering beauty is far more important than lamenting inevitabilities.
VIII. Recall the beautiful memories of a loved one that’s passed over instead of dwelling on the pain of having to say good-bye to that person. This keeps them alive in your heart and strengthens your soul. Thank-you, Millie, for teaching me how to let go with love, and so keep those dear to us with us forever in spirit.
IX. The past is like an old photo album, and, just like a photo album, it should only be taken out and looked at if you can remember the events and people contained therein fondly and with tenderness. Millie, thank-you for showing me that the only memories worth keeping are the ones that fill my heart with gladness.
X. Health and happiness are choices, not circumstance. If carrying eighty-one years doesn’t stop Millie, than crutches and a bad back sure as heck aren’t going to stop me!!Thank-you, Millie for teaching me that the strength of my spirit is my choice, and mine alone!
XI. Daily life can get all of us down, but daily laughing can just as easily bring us back up again. Millie Garfield makes me laugh as much as the cat that shares her last name. Thank-you, Millie, for bringing so much laughter into my life.
XII. As long as you have a working mind and loving heart, you are never alone in the world. Thank you for teaching me the value of myself, Millie; until you and your blog came into my life; it was a commodity I devalued far too
much!
XIII. You may not be able to control all the events in your life, but you can sure control how you react to them. Thank-you, Millie, for teaching me that happiness is not a destination; it’s the way you travel.
XIV. Make the statements you feel you need to make with love and kindness. You never know when what you have to say will be the exact thing someone else needs to hear. Thank you, Millie, for teaching me that speaking my mind doesn’t have to mean turning the air blue, and in so doing, giving me the gift of a lot
more power and class.
XV. In all things, to thine own self be true. Thank-you, Millie, for just being you, and in so doing, giving me the strength to do the same.
XVI. Love is the most powerful force in all the world. If you love all things, all things you love will be softened by your touch. Thank-you, Millie, for teaching me to be a little softer, and give more love in my writing. You have changed my writing style for the better, and my heart for the best.
XVII. Let others love you, it will enhance all you all and all you do. Thank-you, Millie, for reminding me to let others into my life. Before you came along, my anger over my circumstances led me to shut people out of my life. You
have helped me to re-open my heart and soul. Thank-you for this wonderful gift, Millie...words can not express how it has changed me.
XVIII. In all things, let there be a life lesson. Thank-you, Millie, for your ability to find the lessons in every day life, and in so doing, teaching me to do the same.
XIX. Each thing in life is neither good nor bad, it is merely a challenge sent to teach guide you. Rejoice in these challenges, for they have created the wonderful person you are! Thank-you, Millie, for teaching me to accept my disability with grace; to learn from it rather than loathe it. You have made my life rich again.
For all these wonderful gifts Millie has given me through her poignant writing, her witty videos and her fun-loving nature, this poem seems rather a sparse return. Millie has faced much in her eighty-one years, overcoming her many challenges in life with a grace few can manage. She has had losses in her life that would have left many gasping for breath, proclaiming bitterly “I can’t do it!!” Yet, never once have I read an entry in her blog that so much as alludes to defeat. Defeat is not a word in Millie’s vocabulary. She has lived an extraordinary life simply because she has touched so very many of us with her hope, her laughter and her love. I cannot repay her for the many gifts and lessons she has given me at a time when I needed these lessons the most. I can, however, thank her from the very bottom of my heart and soul for giving me hope again, and teaching me that carrying on is all we can do; but carrying on with laughter and love is the best we can do. Happy Birthday, Millie!! It’s is such a pleasure to know you through your writing, and such a gift to read your blog. May you enjoy another eighty-one wonderful years, and may they all be filled with the same hope, love and laughter you have given your readers.
With much love and gratitude,
Yet another faithful Modern Millie Fan!!
Thursday, August 03, 2006
Millie Garfield stars in "I can't open it!"
I’m postponing my smoking rant, which seemed incredibly important the other day, to talk about someone that is a lot more important than some silly rant. The lady’s name is Millie Garfield, and she’s the oldest blogger on the Internet! (Though I certainly hope to look as young as she when in my eightieth year!!) I was first introduced to Millie Garfield’s blog (www.mymomsblog.blogspot.com) shortly after finding out that I would be unable to walk without crutches again, likely for the rest of my life. At 27 (which is the young and virile age I was at that time) learning such a thing can be quite a blow. In addition, the fact that being in such a position incapacitates a person, and makes it difficult to go outside was downright depressing. Then came the beautiful morning I discovered Millie, and watched my first in the funniest on the Internet series, “I can’t open it.” It wasn't the post of the day, but with some digging, I had found it!!
At that time, it was Nescafe, (and I am with her on this one, because I had the same silly problem with that particular container!) and I laughed until tears rolled down my cheeks. Since that time, there have been many more episodes of “I can’t open it”, each funnier and more poignant than the last!! I recall telling a good friend of mine about Millie Garfield, and having her look at me somewhat incredulously, “What on earth would you have in common with an eighty year old lady??” The inquiry was a fair one for most twenty-eight year olds; I suppose…but not this one. One of my best friends in this world is 67, another is 58, and I love them both to pieces because of their wit and wisdom. Millie is certainly the most advanced in age, (and, by default, also wisdom!) and of course I adore her blog!! I’m suffering from the same aches and pains in my life as most seniors do, number one, and number two, I’m really an old lady at heart!! (Which, by the way, I say with a great deal of pride. It means I’ve gotten past the partying and general tom foolery of youth, and moved on to the wisdom of age!!)
Recently, that line of thinking got tested when I was faced with someone I love very much dealing with a problem I couldn’t handle. Like any good old lady, I turned that problem over to people better able to deal with it, said a lot of prayers for my sweet friend (who will probably never speak to me again because I had to tell someone about how bad things really were getting for him) and cried myself to sleep that night. Why? Because I’m not young anymore in spirit, and I’m unable to bear the burden of not telling someone that could help and having this person lose their life. It’s difficult to lose a friend, though…especially when you are in a position like this, where it’s difficult to make new ones. I hope he understands someday that I did what I did with love, not malice, and that I still think of him daily and have to wipe tears from my eyes.
But enough of that, as my keyboard is getting wet from tears talking about it, and I fear I’m going to electrocute myself!! Millie made me feel hope again, and forced me to realize that life is what you make of it. If I don’t fight hard for life, I won’t have a life worth living. She makes me laugh, and, sometimes, she too brings a tear to my eye; but it’s a different kind of tear. It’s the kind of tear that makes you nod your head in agreement, and feel refreshed for having cried it. In honor of her, and her wonderful blog, I’ve made a decision about my own. Starting today, dear readers, this blogger is going to find adjectives that don’t involve turning the air blue, and causing the more sensitive of readers to shake their heads. Why? Because Millie Garfield is truthful, funny and real without ever having to swear once, and it’s time for me to make that last transition into adulthood. Besides, one day soon, my daughter will stumble onto this blog, and I’d rather her not adopt some of the language contained herein!
For those of you that haven’t had the opportunity to visit Millie Garfield’s blog, please give yourself the pleasure and head on over to www.mymomsblog.blogspot.com . At the moment, she is featuring one of my favorite things about her blog, the “I can’t open it” series!!! And Millie, if you’re reading this, please know that I owe you much in my life today, you’ve helped me through some very difficult times with your words of wisdom, and you’ve inspired me to write my own experiences. Feather, I still love you dearly, and you will always be another blogger I look to for cheer and comfort…but I’ve done several Heather bits now, and it’s time for age to come before brash!:)
Lots of love to all my readers, and to Millie Garfield, the oldest and definitely one of the funniest bloggers today!!
At that time, it was Nescafe, (and I am with her on this one, because I had the same silly problem with that particular container!) and I laughed until tears rolled down my cheeks. Since that time, there have been many more episodes of “I can’t open it”, each funnier and more poignant than the last!! I recall telling a good friend of mine about Millie Garfield, and having her look at me somewhat incredulously, “What on earth would you have in common with an eighty year old lady??” The inquiry was a fair one for most twenty-eight year olds; I suppose…but not this one. One of my best friends in this world is 67, another is 58, and I love them both to pieces because of their wit and wisdom. Millie is certainly the most advanced in age, (and, by default, also wisdom!) and of course I adore her blog!! I’m suffering from the same aches and pains in my life as most seniors do, number one, and number two, I’m really an old lady at heart!! (Which, by the way, I say with a great deal of pride. It means I’ve gotten past the partying and general tom foolery of youth, and moved on to the wisdom of age!!)
Recently, that line of thinking got tested when I was faced with someone I love very much dealing with a problem I couldn’t handle. Like any good old lady, I turned that problem over to people better able to deal with it, said a lot of prayers for my sweet friend (who will probably never speak to me again because I had to tell someone about how bad things really were getting for him) and cried myself to sleep that night. Why? Because I’m not young anymore in spirit, and I’m unable to bear the burden of not telling someone that could help and having this person lose their life. It’s difficult to lose a friend, though…especially when you are in a position like this, where it’s difficult to make new ones. I hope he understands someday that I did what I did with love, not malice, and that I still think of him daily and have to wipe tears from my eyes.
But enough of that, as my keyboard is getting wet from tears talking about it, and I fear I’m going to electrocute myself!! Millie made me feel hope again, and forced me to realize that life is what you make of it. If I don’t fight hard for life, I won’t have a life worth living. She makes me laugh, and, sometimes, she too brings a tear to my eye; but it’s a different kind of tear. It’s the kind of tear that makes you nod your head in agreement, and feel refreshed for having cried it. In honor of her, and her wonderful blog, I’ve made a decision about my own. Starting today, dear readers, this blogger is going to find adjectives that don’t involve turning the air blue, and causing the more sensitive of readers to shake their heads. Why? Because Millie Garfield is truthful, funny and real without ever having to swear once, and it’s time for me to make that last transition into adulthood. Besides, one day soon, my daughter will stumble onto this blog, and I’d rather her not adopt some of the language contained herein!
For those of you that haven’t had the opportunity to visit Millie Garfield’s blog, please give yourself the pleasure and head on over to www.mymomsblog.blogspot.com . At the moment, she is featuring one of my favorite things about her blog, the “I can’t open it” series!!! And Millie, if you’re reading this, please know that I owe you much in my life today, you’ve helped me through some very difficult times with your words of wisdom, and you’ve inspired me to write my own experiences. Feather, I still love you dearly, and you will always be another blogger I look to for cheer and comfort…but I’ve done several Heather bits now, and it’s time for age to come before brash!:)
Lots of love to all my readers, and to Millie Garfield, the oldest and definitely one of the funniest bloggers today!!
Monday, July 31, 2006
Marley The Smoking Cat
Have you ever spent most of your day on the phone with a good friend? It’s sort of a warm and fuzzy feeling, as you chat about everything in your lives. These marathon conversations reveal new things about your closest friend, and all too often they uncover much about you as well. I enjoy these marathon chats, if only because they remind me that someone in the world finds me interesting enough to spend ten hours talking to me. Unfortunately, these days are not productive vacuuming days; which is most unfortunate considering my carpet looks as though it is wearing a fur coat at the moment.
The fur for this particular coat comes directly from my Maine Coon, Marley. Marley is a wonderful companion, loving friend, and a first class shedder. Actually, Marley doesn’t shed so much as he gives birth to little Mini Marley Minions. I am quite sure these tiny little cats that are scattered so innocently about the house are, in actuality, laying in wait for Marley to give the command…at which point they will rise up and kill us all…or make us their slaves…or something equally horrific and frightening. This belief did not simply appear in my head one day, it has been carefully cultivated over the years, fed by the fact that the very instant I vacuum, Marley stalks by, shudders his little black body and releases thousands of these Mini Marley Minions, or Triple M’s, everywhere in the house. Marley does not like to be without his supporting army of vicious fluff balls, it distresses him deeply.
My cat is actually quite bizarre. He loves cigarettes, eats Coffee Crisps, and sleeps on my pillow. Unlike most cats, he comes immediately when his name is called, and adores being picked up and cuddled. Except when he doesn’t…at which point he. will. cut. you. I dislike Marley’s love of Coffee Crisps most passionately. The instant I open one (they happen to be my very favorite food in the entire world) Marley appears instantly at my side, having teleported his tiny furry self from wherever he happened to be in the house when the crinkle of the wrapper was first heard. Once there, he will look at me longingly and stand up on his hind legs, begging patiently for three whole seconds. If the Coffee Crisp is not shared with him inside of these three whole seconds, Marley will reach out with his paw and attempt to spear the chocolate bar with his claws. If your hand happens to be in the way of this attempt, so much the better; you may consider it your punishment for withholding the Coffee Crisp from His Majesty.
The smoking is much the same really, though he does do this a little more on the sly. Unguarded ashtrays in the house are a source of longing desire, and if one is not careful, they will find cigarette butts all over the house, and Marley in the corner looking rather stoned. See…oh God, how do I explain this?? He sucks on the cigarette butts. Marley knows better, mind you, than to suck on all the butts he manages to ascertain at once; carefully stashing the ‘un-sucked’ butts round the house for later highs. I think this is due to the fact he once did suck them all at once and found himself with a terrible case of the runs for his trouble. Now, for all of you that are now itching to write me nasty letters about how I am a terribly irresponsible pet owner, (not to mention person) for allowing my cat access to cigarette butts, I have a few things to offer in my defense. First of all, I did not, at any time, pin the cat down and force him to suck on a butt. (Wow…that sounds terribly wrong, doesn’t it?) He steals them, sucks on them, and stashes them. Read HE does this…NOT ‘WE’ do this. Secondly, as soon as I realized that Marley was sucking my cigarette butts, I started emptying all my ashtrays the very second I was done with them. Unfortunately, though I take these precautions, I am, as of this writing, unable to locate all of Marley’s previous ‘stashes’, which I find as annoying as you all find horrifying. Thirdly, this is a disgusting habit of his, however I am assured by my veterinarian that it is NOT life threatening. Fourthly, yes, I smoke…and my lungs and I thank you to leave us to it. Not only is this my life, but these new baboon lungs work quite nicely, thank you, and I don’t need any sanctimonious “you should quit” talk. Frankly, I strongly believe that all high and mighty non-smoking do gooders with firm intentions to make all us smokers move to Siberia to have a puff should all jump naked into a swimming pool full of wolverines. I’m not going to get my wish, and I don’t see why in the hell you should get yours.
That last line reminds me that I intended, some time ago, to do a “Smoking Rant.” I’ll have to get onto that soon…it’s time.
The fur for this particular coat comes directly from my Maine Coon, Marley. Marley is a wonderful companion, loving friend, and a first class shedder. Actually, Marley doesn’t shed so much as he gives birth to little Mini Marley Minions. I am quite sure these tiny little cats that are scattered so innocently about the house are, in actuality, laying in wait for Marley to give the command…at which point they will rise up and kill us all…or make us their slaves…or something equally horrific and frightening. This belief did not simply appear in my head one day, it has been carefully cultivated over the years, fed by the fact that the very instant I vacuum, Marley stalks by, shudders his little black body and releases thousands of these Mini Marley Minions, or Triple M’s, everywhere in the house. Marley does not like to be without his supporting army of vicious fluff balls, it distresses him deeply.
My cat is actually quite bizarre. He loves cigarettes, eats Coffee Crisps, and sleeps on my pillow. Unlike most cats, he comes immediately when his name is called, and adores being picked up and cuddled. Except when he doesn’t…at which point he. will. cut. you. I dislike Marley’s love of Coffee Crisps most passionately. The instant I open one (they happen to be my very favorite food in the entire world) Marley appears instantly at my side, having teleported his tiny furry self from wherever he happened to be in the house when the crinkle of the wrapper was first heard. Once there, he will look at me longingly and stand up on his hind legs, begging patiently for three whole seconds. If the Coffee Crisp is not shared with him inside of these three whole seconds, Marley will reach out with his paw and attempt to spear the chocolate bar with his claws. If your hand happens to be in the way of this attempt, so much the better; you may consider it your punishment for withholding the Coffee Crisp from His Majesty.
The smoking is much the same really, though he does do this a little more on the sly. Unguarded ashtrays in the house are a source of longing desire, and if one is not careful, they will find cigarette butts all over the house, and Marley in the corner looking rather stoned. See…oh God, how do I explain this?? He sucks on the cigarette butts. Marley knows better, mind you, than to suck on all the butts he manages to ascertain at once; carefully stashing the ‘un-sucked’ butts round the house for later highs. I think this is due to the fact he once did suck them all at once and found himself with a terrible case of the runs for his trouble. Now, for all of you that are now itching to write me nasty letters about how I am a terribly irresponsible pet owner, (not to mention person) for allowing my cat access to cigarette butts, I have a few things to offer in my defense. First of all, I did not, at any time, pin the cat down and force him to suck on a butt. (Wow…that sounds terribly wrong, doesn’t it?) He steals them, sucks on them, and stashes them. Read HE does this…NOT ‘WE’ do this. Secondly, as soon as I realized that Marley was sucking my cigarette butts, I started emptying all my ashtrays the very second I was done with them. Unfortunately, though I take these precautions, I am, as of this writing, unable to locate all of Marley’s previous ‘stashes’, which I find as annoying as you all find horrifying. Thirdly, this is a disgusting habit of his, however I am assured by my veterinarian that it is NOT life threatening. Fourthly, yes, I smoke…and my lungs and I thank you to leave us to it. Not only is this my life, but these new baboon lungs work quite nicely, thank you, and I don’t need any sanctimonious “you should quit” talk. Frankly, I strongly believe that all high and mighty non-smoking do gooders with firm intentions to make all us smokers move to Siberia to have a puff should all jump naked into a swimming pool full of wolverines. I’m not going to get my wish, and I don’t see why in the hell you should get yours.
That last line reminds me that I intended, some time ago, to do a “Smoking Rant.” I’ll have to get onto that soon…it’s time.
Tuesday, July 11, 2006
Worry Yourself Thin...The New Fad Diet!!!
I’m so tired I could just cry. This past while, I’ve been suffering from insomnia…and for those of you that don’t know insomnia feels like, imagine walking about your days looking like ass, and feeling as though life is about to end as you know it. It sort of like your own little personal Apocalypse. Why is this happening? Well, I can think of only one factor, huge confusion which unfortunately in this particular case, also comes with huge hurt.
I’ve attempted to do a couple of entries vaguely discussing this past month of my life, but each one has had to be discarded as they would be an invasion of someone else’s privacy. I can invade my own privacy here as much as I see fit, unfortunately, I can’t see my way clear to doing it to someone else. Suffice it to say, it’s been a difficult month for me and certainly one steeped in deep perplexity, bewilderment, puzzlement, mystification, and grave uncertainty; almost definitely caused by an enormous misunderstanding. With God’s help, hopefully there will be an answer to all of this and more importantly, a resolution, soon. Until then, I’ve got to find a way to let it go, stop trying to figure it out, and get some fucking sleep!!
I am a champion at holding onto things, I really am. If you don’t believe me, have a look around my house sometime. I haven’t thrown out grocery store receipts from two years ago just yet in case I might need them. However, I SUCK ASS at letting go of anything, particularly if it’s really important to me. Sometimes, letting go really sucks ass, and I suppose that explains why it is that I suck ass at it.
On the up side, I’m finally losing weight. I’m going to market my special method for doing this just as soon as I’ve reached my goal poundage.
It will be called either: “Worry Yourself Thin…How Deep Bewilderment Can Lead to A Thinner and Healthier You.” Or “How Apologizing Profusely for Something You Know Nothing About Can Help You to Achieve Your Ideal Weight.”
Feel free to comment with your preference.
I’ve attempted to do a couple of entries vaguely discussing this past month of my life, but each one has had to be discarded as they would be an invasion of someone else’s privacy. I can invade my own privacy here as much as I see fit, unfortunately, I can’t see my way clear to doing it to someone else. Suffice it to say, it’s been a difficult month for me and certainly one steeped in deep perplexity, bewilderment, puzzlement, mystification, and grave uncertainty; almost definitely caused by an enormous misunderstanding. With God’s help, hopefully there will be an answer to all of this and more importantly, a resolution, soon. Until then, I’ve got to find a way to let it go, stop trying to figure it out, and get some fucking sleep!!
I am a champion at holding onto things, I really am. If you don’t believe me, have a look around my house sometime. I haven’t thrown out grocery store receipts from two years ago just yet in case I might need them. However, I SUCK ASS at letting go of anything, particularly if it’s really important to me. Sometimes, letting go really sucks ass, and I suppose that explains why it is that I suck ass at it.
On the up side, I’m finally losing weight. I’m going to market my special method for doing this just as soon as I’ve reached my goal poundage.
It will be called either: “Worry Yourself Thin…How Deep Bewilderment Can Lead to A Thinner and Healthier You.” Or “How Apologizing Profusely for Something You Know Nothing About Can Help You to Achieve Your Ideal Weight.”
Feel free to comment with your preference.
Thursday, July 06, 2006
Shitting for Serenity
I am cleansing my bowels at the moment, and in accordance to the instructions on the canister, I shall be scrubbing my intestines for the next thirty days. I decided to do this wonderful thing for my body upon learning, via internet, that my bowels were terribly unkempt. From what I understand, every human being on the planet has dirty intestines, and the only way one can avoid dirty bowl syndrome is to take herbal cleanser for a month. The bowel cleanser comes in powder form, which, when mixed with water as per the directions, looks very much as though it might well be the aftermath of the intenstinal eradication experience.
Good times, I’m telling you.
I’m doing this in order to clean out my system and jumpstart into a new phase in my life. In other words, ladies and gents, I’m on a diet. Yes, that’s right…I’m going to die with a “T”. It’s all part of my master plan, folks…my diabolical master plan to rid my body of all shit contained therein and then take over the fucking world.
Most of you are asking why at this point, aren’t you? Well, let me enlighten you a little; I firmly believe that when you are hurt, and hurt badly, there are only two things you can really do about it. One, you can sit at home in your pajamas, eating bowl upon bowl of ice cream well fervently wishing that Father Time would turn things backwards just long enough to reverse the painful experience you've suffered. Though this method certainly has its merits; (for example, you discover amazingly tasty ways to fix a bowl of ice cream you previously would have been completely unaware of...) it also comes with some serious drawbacks. Not the least of these drawbacks being that depression easily becomes routine, something that, once you fall into its hungry mouth, devours you, completely swallows you whole; depression is the beast from which there is no escape. Soon enough, you find yourself expanding physically, astounded at the sheer number of chins you have managed to construct with your ice cream consumption; all the while shrinking mentally at an alarming rate. Fortunately enough, depression and the subsequent development of enough stomach fat to form an ass on your belly, is not your only recourse.
Instead, you can decide what you really, truly want out of life, and then take all energy produced by the pain, and use it to make those dreams come true. For me, the first step in this journey is to work on my body, which I feel needs a good fine tuning…hence the firm decision to extoll the virtues of the wonder all living things can experience from a hearty bowel cleanse. It has been my experience that when my body looks good, I naturally feel good; so, I’ve opted to go this route in dealing with the pain right now. Though I can’t really work out, as such, what with my legs and back in the condition they are, I can certainly do my level best to walk as far as I’m able, using floor work to tone and strengthen.
Understand, I’m not trying to peddle easy answers. I know as well as anyone that when someone is hurting over something or someone, there aren’t any activities, books, or magic words that will make the pain go away instantaneously. However, there are things we can do to minimize how much we allow that pain to affect our lives; moreover, we can turn dark hurt into positive changes in our world. Working on goals instead of counting sorrows is but the first step in that journey, and one well worth taking. Cleanse your bowels for cheerfulness, shit for serenity, and poop your way towards peace!! You can do it!! Charmin can help.
Good times, I’m telling you.
I’m doing this in order to clean out my system and jumpstart into a new phase in my life. In other words, ladies and gents, I’m on a diet. Yes, that’s right…I’m going to die with a “T”. It’s all part of my master plan, folks…my diabolical master plan to rid my body of all shit contained therein and then take over the fucking world.
Most of you are asking why at this point, aren’t you? Well, let me enlighten you a little; I firmly believe that when you are hurt, and hurt badly, there are only two things you can really do about it. One, you can sit at home in your pajamas, eating bowl upon bowl of ice cream well fervently wishing that Father Time would turn things backwards just long enough to reverse the painful experience you've suffered. Though this method certainly has its merits; (for example, you discover amazingly tasty ways to fix a bowl of ice cream you previously would have been completely unaware of...) it also comes with some serious drawbacks. Not the least of these drawbacks being that depression easily becomes routine, something that, once you fall into its hungry mouth, devours you, completely swallows you whole; depression is the beast from which there is no escape. Soon enough, you find yourself expanding physically, astounded at the sheer number of chins you have managed to construct with your ice cream consumption; all the while shrinking mentally at an alarming rate. Fortunately enough, depression and the subsequent development of enough stomach fat to form an ass on your belly, is not your only recourse.
Instead, you can decide what you really, truly want out of life, and then take all energy produced by the pain, and use it to make those dreams come true. For me, the first step in this journey is to work on my body, which I feel needs a good fine tuning…hence the firm decision to extoll the virtues of the wonder all living things can experience from a hearty bowel cleanse. It has been my experience that when my body looks good, I naturally feel good; so, I’ve opted to go this route in dealing with the pain right now. Though I can’t really work out, as such, what with my legs and back in the condition they are, I can certainly do my level best to walk as far as I’m able, using floor work to tone and strengthen.
Understand, I’m not trying to peddle easy answers. I know as well as anyone that when someone is hurting over something or someone, there aren’t any activities, books, or magic words that will make the pain go away instantaneously. However, there are things we can do to minimize how much we allow that pain to affect our lives; moreover, we can turn dark hurt into positive changes in our world. Working on goals instead of counting sorrows is but the first step in that journey, and one well worth taking. Cleanse your bowels for cheerfulness, shit for serenity, and poop your way towards peace!! You can do it!! Charmin can help.
Tuesday, June 06, 2006
Thoughts
It’s late. I want to sleep. My brain, however, appears to have another plan for me. Why the hell does it have to work that way? All fucking day long, not one coherent thought, but the minute the sun goes down and it’s time to lay my head on a pillow, my mind has LOTS to say.
I think that if this doesn’t stop soon, I’m going to take a page from Homer Simpson’s book and. Poke. My. Brain. With. A. Q-Tip.
That’s sure to teach it a lesson.
The worst part?? They’re not brilliant thoughts. You’re reading them now. You know… they are just thoughts. Stupid thoughts. Thoughts that somehow coincide with a cartoon character created to showcase human stupidity at its best.
I shan’t wait by the phone for that call from Mensa then…
I think that if this doesn’t stop soon, I’m going to take a page from Homer Simpson’s book and. Poke. My. Brain. With. A. Q-Tip.
That’s sure to teach it a lesson.
The worst part?? They’re not brilliant thoughts. You’re reading them now. You know… they are just thoughts. Stupid thoughts. Thoughts that somehow coincide with a cartoon character created to showcase human stupidity at its best.
I shan’t wait by the phone for that call from Mensa then…
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