Friday, March 03, 2006

Snogging with Celebrities

Snogging With Celebrities,19736,1162293,00.html

Ah, the smitten look of a couple in lust…doesn’t it just make you want to rush out and buy a bat to beat them with?? I’m so sick of these types of news stories, everywhere I turn these days there seems to be debauchery on a grand scale. In this particularly happy tale of lust, we have our stars, Kristy Swanson and Lloyd Eisler, skating off into the sunset following a wonderfully moral leap from the marriage bed into the Slayer’s vagina of doom. This is made all the more heartwarming when one considers that Eisler’s son Seth was born shortly after Swanson reportedly forwarded emails from Eisler to his wife, Marcia O’Brien in which he proclaimed his undying affection for Buffy. All of which is starting to make me seriously wonder what the fuck is in the water in Hollywood.

Somehow, I expected better than this from our Canadian pairs skating hero, but given that the moment a man enters Hollywood, it seems his penis turns into a divining rod that seeks out the first skanky whore that it can find its way into, I shouldn’t have. Oh Lloyd, why hath thou forsaken us?? Why have you done such a thing to your image, your wife and your children?? AND MOST IMPORTANTLY BY FAR, why OH WHY have you left your family for a woman that clearly cannot afford the proper bra to wear with her neon airport cone orange fashion statement??(

As far as Swanson (and women like her) are concerned…you idiots are the reason why slut clones like Paris Hilton can find fame. I hate you all. Ha---aaaa---ate!!! My only consolation being that one day you will find your labial lips hang so low you will be tripping over them. Why is the sanctity of marriage so difficult for these types of people to understand? It's really very simple, if the man has a wedding ring on his finger, whether or not he is inserting it into you at the time, he is promised to another woman and you shouldn't be in her backyard. If he mentions children to you at any point during your love talks, what you are doing has the power to destroy more than one life.

Realistically girls, if he is willing to leave a women he promised forever to, along with children he promised to be a father to, the moment those labial lips of yours hit the floor~~~he'll hit the door. As far as men that cheat on pregnant spouses go, I'm currently in the process of writing to my Prime Minister in an effort to pass a law to have you all castrated. The good news is that should the law be passed, Lloyd will be given the distinct honour of going first, not only for his indiscretions with Swanson, but also for publicly dragging my figure skating baby through the mud one more time. Damn you, figure skating...why can't you just stop being so God damned scandalous??

Just once, I’d like to see a beautiful marriage, involving people that have morals and give a shit about their promises to one and other make the headlines. It would be far less depressing, and so much less likely to me fantasizing about forcing men that leave their wives with children to be confined to an orphanage for twenty of so odd years until they learn what it’s like to be literally left holding the baby.


Anonymous said...

Spot on!! Thank you for saying what most of us are thinking!!

Heather said...

Could I become an honorary Canadian to support that new law? I love it! Great post. :) (And thanks for commenting on mine.)

Anonymous said...

Well said! You are my hero...

Anonymous said...

Dahlia Janey, not only do you have a fabulous name but your writing cracks me up. You are like the spot on wisecracking dame of the the new century. You should have your own blog! Maybe you do and if so pls post a link for us!

Cheers from the US!

Anonymous said...

Wait you do have your own blog and I'm on it. LOL. That's what too much zipping around in cyberspace will do! I've bookmarked you ;-)