Monday, July 31, 2006

Marley The Smoking Cat

Have you ever spent most of your day on the phone with a good friend? It’s sort of a warm and fuzzy feeling, as you chat about everything in your lives. These marathon conversations reveal new things about your closest friend, and all too often they uncover much about you as well. I enjoy these marathon chats, if only because they remind me that someone in the world finds me interesting enough to spend ten hours talking to me. Unfortunately, these days are not productive vacuuming days; which is most unfortunate considering my carpet looks as though it is wearing a fur coat at the moment.

The fur for this particular coat comes directly from my Maine Coon, Marley. Marley is a wonderful companion, loving friend, and a first class shedder. Actually, Marley doesn’t shed so much as he gives birth to little Mini Marley Minions. I am quite sure these tiny little cats that are scattered so innocently about the house are, in actuality, laying in wait for Marley to give the command…at which point they will rise up and kill us all…or make us their slaves…or something equally horrific and frightening. This belief did not simply appear in my head one day, it has been carefully cultivated over the years, fed by the fact that the very instant I vacuum, Marley stalks by, shudders his little black body and releases thousands of these Mini Marley Minions, or Triple M’s, everywhere in the house. Marley does not like to be without his supporting army of vicious fluff balls, it distresses him deeply.

My cat is actually quite bizarre. He loves cigarettes, eats Coffee Crisps, and sleeps on my pillow. Unlike most cats, he comes immediately when his name is called, and adores being picked up and cuddled. Except when he doesn’t…at which point he. will. cut. you. I dislike Marley’s love of Coffee Crisps most passionately. The instant I open one (they happen to be my very favorite food in the entire world) Marley appears instantly at my side, having teleported his tiny furry self from wherever he happened to be in the house when the crinkle of the wrapper was first heard. Once there, he will look at me longingly and stand up on his hind legs, begging patiently for three whole seconds. If the Coffee Crisp is not shared with him inside of these three whole seconds, Marley will reach out with his paw and attempt to spear the chocolate bar with his claws. If your hand happens to be in the way of this attempt, so much the better; you may consider it your punishment for withholding the Coffee Crisp from His Majesty.

The smoking is much the same really, though he does do this a little more on the sly. Unguarded ashtrays in the house are a source of longing desire, and if one is not careful, they will find cigarette butts all over the house, and Marley in the corner looking rather stoned. See…oh God, how do I explain this?? He sucks on the cigarette butts. Marley knows better, mind you, than to suck on all the butts he manages to ascertain at once; carefully stashing the ‘un-sucked’ butts round the house for later highs. I think this is due to the fact he once did suck them all at once and found himself with a terrible case of the runs for his trouble. Now, for all of you that are now itching to write me nasty letters about how I am a terribly irresponsible pet owner, (not to mention person) for allowing my cat access to cigarette butts, I have a few things to offer in my defense. First of all, I did not, at any time, pin the cat down and force him to suck on a butt. (Wow…that sounds terribly wrong, doesn’t it?) He steals them, sucks on them, and stashes them. Read HE does this…NOT ‘WE’ do this. Secondly, as soon as I realized that Marley was sucking my cigarette butts, I started emptying all my ashtrays the very second I was done with them. Unfortunately, though I take these precautions, I am, as of this writing, unable to locate all of Marley’s previous ‘stashes’, which I find as annoying as you all find horrifying. Thirdly, this is a disgusting habit of his, however I am assured by my veterinarian that it is NOT life threatening. Fourthly, yes, I smoke…and my lungs and I thank you to leave us to it. Not only is this my life, but these new baboon lungs work quite nicely, thank you, and I don’t need any sanctimonious “you should quit” talk. Frankly, I strongly believe that all high and mighty non-smoking do gooders with firm intentions to make all us smokers move to Siberia to have a puff should all jump naked into a swimming pool full of wolverines. I’m not going to get my wish, and I don’t see why in the hell you should get yours.

That last line reminds me that I intended, some time ago, to do a “Smoking Rant.” I’ll have to get onto that soon…it’s time.

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

Worry Yourself Thin...The New Fad Diet!!!

I’m so tired I could just cry. This past while, I’ve been suffering from insomnia…and for those of you that don’t know insomnia feels like, imagine walking about your days looking like ass, and feeling as though life is about to end as you know it. It sort of like your own little personal Apocalypse. Why is this happening? Well, I can think of only one factor, huge confusion which unfortunately in this particular case, also comes with huge hurt.

I’ve attempted to do a couple of entries vaguely discussing this past month of my life, but each one has had to be discarded as they would be an invasion of someone else’s privacy. I can invade my own privacy here as much as I see fit, unfortunately, I can’t see my way clear to doing it to someone else. Suffice it to say, it’s been a difficult month for me and certainly one steeped in deep perplexity, bewilderment, puzzlement, mystification, and grave uncertainty; almost definitely caused by an enormous misunderstanding. With God’s help, hopefully there will be an answer to all of this and more importantly, a resolution, soon. Until then, I’ve got to find a way to let it go, stop trying to figure it out, and get some fucking sleep!!

I am a champion at holding onto things, I really am. If you don’t believe me, have a look around my house sometime. I haven’t thrown out grocery store receipts from two years ago just yet in case I might need them. However, I SUCK ASS at letting go of anything, particularly if it’s really important to me. Sometimes, letting go really sucks ass, and I suppose that explains why it is that I suck ass at it.

On the up side, I’m finally losing weight. I’m going to market my special method for doing this just as soon as I’ve reached my goal poundage.

It will be called either: “Worry Yourself Thin…How Deep Bewilderment Can Lead to A Thinner and Healthier You.” Or “How Apologizing Profusely for Something You Know Nothing About Can Help You to Achieve Your Ideal Weight.”

Feel free to comment with your preference.

Thursday, July 06, 2006

Shitting for Serenity

I am cleansing my bowels at the moment, and in accordance to the instructions on the canister, I shall be scrubbing my intestines for the next thirty days. I decided to do this wonderful thing for my body upon learning, via internet, that my bowels were terribly unkempt. From what I understand, every human being on the planet has dirty intestines, and the only way one can avoid dirty bowl syndrome is to take herbal cleanser for a month. The bowel cleanser comes in powder form, which, when mixed with water as per the directions, looks very much as though it might well be the aftermath of the intenstinal eradication experience.

Good times, I’m telling you.

I’m doing this in order to clean out my system and jumpstart into a new phase in my life. In other words, ladies and gents, I’m on a diet. Yes, that’s right…I’m going to die with a “T”. It’s all part of my master plan, folks…my diabolical master plan to rid my body of all shit contained therein and then take over the fucking world.

Most of you are asking why at this point, aren’t you? Well, let me enlighten you a little; I firmly believe that when you are hurt, and hurt badly, there are only two things you can really do about it. One, you can sit at home in your pajamas, eating bowl upon bowl of ice cream well fervently wishing that Father Time would turn things backwards just long enough to reverse the painful experience you've suffered. Though this method certainly has its merits; (for example, you discover amazingly tasty ways to fix a bowl of ice cream you previously would have been completely unaware of...) it also comes with some serious drawbacks. Not the least of these drawbacks being that depression easily becomes routine, something that, once you fall into its hungry mouth, devours you, completely swallows you whole; depression is the beast from which there is no escape. Soon enough, you find yourself expanding physically, astounded at the sheer number of chins you have managed to construct with your ice cream consumption; all the while shrinking mentally at an alarming rate. Fortunately enough, depression and the subsequent development of enough stomach fat to form an ass on your belly, is not your only recourse.

Instead, you can decide what you really, truly want out of life, and then take all energy produced by the pain, and use it to make those dreams come true. For me, the first step in this journey is to work on my body, which I feel needs a good fine tuning…hence the firm decision to extoll the virtues of the wonder all living things can experience from a hearty bowel cleanse. It has been my experience that when my body looks good, I naturally feel good; so, I’ve opted to go this route in dealing with the pain right now. Though I can’t really work out, as such, what with my legs and back in the condition they are, I can certainly do my level best to walk as far as I’m able, using floor work to tone and strengthen.

Understand, I’m not trying to peddle easy answers. I know as well as anyone that when someone is hurting over something or someone, there aren’t any activities, books, or magic words that will make the pain go away instantaneously. However, there are things we can do to minimize how much we allow that pain to affect our lives; moreover, we can turn dark hurt into positive changes in our world. Working on goals instead of counting sorrows is but the first step in that journey, and one well worth taking. Cleanse your bowels for cheerfulness, shit for serenity, and poop your way towards peace!! You can do it!! Charmin can help.