Thursday, July 06, 2006

Shitting for Serenity

I am cleansing my bowels at the moment, and in accordance to the instructions on the canister, I shall be scrubbing my intestines for the next thirty days. I decided to do this wonderful thing for my body upon learning, via internet, that my bowels were terribly unkempt. From what I understand, every human being on the planet has dirty intestines, and the only way one can avoid dirty bowl syndrome is to take herbal cleanser for a month. The bowel cleanser comes in powder form, which, when mixed with water as per the directions, looks very much as though it might well be the aftermath of the intenstinal eradication experience.

Good times, I’m telling you.

I’m doing this in order to clean out my system and jumpstart into a new phase in my life. In other words, ladies and gents, I’m on a diet. Yes, that’s right…I’m going to die with a “T”. It’s all part of my master plan, folks…my diabolical master plan to rid my body of all shit contained therein and then take over the fucking world.

Most of you are asking why at this point, aren’t you? Well, let me enlighten you a little; I firmly believe that when you are hurt, and hurt badly, there are only two things you can really do about it. One, you can sit at home in your pajamas, eating bowl upon bowl of ice cream well fervently wishing that Father Time would turn things backwards just long enough to reverse the painful experience you've suffered. Though this method certainly has its merits; (for example, you discover amazingly tasty ways to fix a bowl of ice cream you previously would have been completely unaware of...) it also comes with some serious drawbacks. Not the least of these drawbacks being that depression easily becomes routine, something that, once you fall into its hungry mouth, devours you, completely swallows you whole; depression is the beast from which there is no escape. Soon enough, you find yourself expanding physically, astounded at the sheer number of chins you have managed to construct with your ice cream consumption; all the while shrinking mentally at an alarming rate. Fortunately enough, depression and the subsequent development of enough stomach fat to form an ass on your belly, is not your only recourse.

Instead, you can decide what you really, truly want out of life, and then take all energy produced by the pain, and use it to make those dreams come true. For me, the first step in this journey is to work on my body, which I feel needs a good fine tuning…hence the firm decision to extoll the virtues of the wonder all living things can experience from a hearty bowel cleanse. It has been my experience that when my body looks good, I naturally feel good; so, I’ve opted to go this route in dealing with the pain right now. Though I can’t really work out, as such, what with my legs and back in the condition they are, I can certainly do my level best to walk as far as I’m able, using floor work to tone and strengthen.

Understand, I’m not trying to peddle easy answers. I know as well as anyone that when someone is hurting over something or someone, there aren’t any activities, books, or magic words that will make the pain go away instantaneously. However, there are things we can do to minimize how much we allow that pain to affect our lives; moreover, we can turn dark hurt into positive changes in our world. Working on goals instead of counting sorrows is but the first step in that journey, and one well worth taking. Cleanse your bowels for cheerfulness, shit for serenity, and poop your way towards peace!! You can do it!! Charmin can help.


Anonymous said...

Sweetie, there's no such thing as "dirty bowels". Bowels process feces... how they possibly be clean? These herbal cleansers are a waste of your hard-earned cash and don't do a thing, except dyhydrate you, and in some cases, put additional toxins into your body that you do not need. The healthiest way to improve your diet is to drink a lot of water, eat a lot of fresh fruit and vegetables, and remember to eat from all food groups. Take it from me, you don't need to "cleanse" your bowels, and doing so without a doctor's supervision is dangerous.

- Friendly M.D.

Anonymous said...

LOL, judging by your lack of response I take it this wasn't what you wanted to hear! :)