Thursday, April 26, 2007

I've Got Friends In Low Places...

About two years ago, I decided to write a book based upon a theory I held at the time that every person was completely capable of making every single dream they ever had, or, for that matter, ever would have,come true. This, of course, was well before the primary concern in my life became where I was going and why I was in this hand-basket. I still believe every dream can come true though, namely because I’ve discovered just how much control we have over our experiences here on this earth. And this is good news, except when it’s terrible news.

Its good news when we are positive, and thus, creating a positive experience for ourselves, and for those who are fortunate enough to come into contact with us. Positive begat positive begat positive, the more joyful energy you put out into the world, the more you convince the world that what you’re after is a positive experience. God, and all the other amazing energies and entities that make up this incredible Universe of ours, want us to be happy, therefore, they only give us that which we ask for. Unfortunately, most of us go through life constantly asking the Universe/God for the exact opposite of what we desire; then mumbling about how hard done by we are, and how we never win anything or get anything we want.

Little do we know, we are getting precisely what we’ve asked for…the experience of wanting to win & wanting to have. The winners in this grand old world of ours are the people who decide what they want, and then decide they are going to have what they want regardless of what may stand in their way. They never deviate, they never falter, they never doubt. They simply decide to get what they desire, and then do so. This attitude truly is the secret to a happy journey filled with the most amazing experiences and wonderful adventures a person could hope to have.

I myself lost the plot on this one for a spell; as a direct result of being physically ill, I allowed myself to believe my life would now amount to nothing because of my circumstances. In allowing myself to believe I was nothing, I started behaving as if I were nothing. Unfortunately, the moment I began behaving as nothing, certain people began treating me as nothing; further making me feel I was nothing, so confirmed their belif that I am nothing and round and round we go. And, as much as I’d like to think myself completely and utterly unique, I’ve witnessed a few of those about me clinging desperately to the same downwards spiral; all the while fervently denying their on any type of downward curve at all.

Denial is the vicious circle’s best friend, let’s face it now. The minute we start denying things and making ourselves out to be something we’re not, we’re starting that nasty circle going. People lie to themselves and each other a good portion of the time. Every one of us lies, however the degrees vary. Some of us only lie in the sense that we’ll say “fine” or “good” when asked how we’re doing, even if, in all honesty we’re really feeling pants. Some others still lie because they feel a need to cover up their own inadequacies with falsehoods which present them in, what they consider to be, a better light. Still more do it to hide who they are, preventing those around them from ever knowing the true them, therefore ensuring they can never truly be rejected for who they are, because not one person about them has the foggiest idea who they really are.

And all of these things, all of these various lies, go on around us each and every day without our fully realizing the impact they with inevitably have. Considering we speak to the Universe/God each and every minute of each and every day through our words, thoughts and actions; false thinking, which leads to insincere actions, will inexorably also present the wrong message to the Universe/God. When one stops to think that God does indeed grant all prayers and all wishes, it’s a relatively easy leap to the realization that, through our own actions, we have created our own miseries.

That said, not all things which, at the onset, present themselves as negative things really are. In fact, a good lot of the so called crises that take place in our lives do so in order to create change; something most people have a difficult time manifesting on their own. It is said change begins at the end of your comfort zone, and I have to say, I believe that 100%. In the past two or three weeks, there have been lots of changes taking place in my life, and at first I thought them all very negative. That’s something that I’ve found really evolving and reshaping itself this past two/three weeks; my perceptions of people, places and things.

A few weeks ago, I found myself the target of some vicious rumors, bad assumptions and ill conceived notions. To make matters worse, I soon discovered the source of all the bother was, in fact, two individuals I believed to be my close friends. At first, my emotions knew not what to do with themselves, and began misfiring in every direction all at once. Anger, betrayal, hurt, disgust, rageful, devastated, shattered, aghast, confused, bewildered, and feeling as though I'd missed an important event(s)in my own bloody life!!! In many ways, the whole thing felt like far too much to handle, especially considering where my physical health is at right at the moment.

For what seemed like an eternity, I moped about the house a shattered girl; breaking down and crying so often I feared I would never stop. It was like a damn had burst inside me, made up of all the fears I’ve had to endure health-wise, all the emotional pain of knowing two people I care about were building this horrible gossip together while I was in the city trying to take care of my health. That was one of the worst things, I think, the unwanted visions I got of them laughing at me, talking the piss out of me, and actually intending to hurt me this way. It’s somehow easier to take a blow in life if you a) know precisely what the blow is, and b) if the person delivering the painful blow isn’t doing it with the intent to hurt. This whole situation just seemed like something out of a movie, something the villians on a soap mighht do; but surely not something two people I’ve grown very close to would do to me, right? Right??? RIGHT??!!!

All these emotions grew and grew, and with them, my life began to gets more and more difficult to manage. All I could focus on was getting one of them to tell me what on earth was said that was strong enough to ruin eight and two years, collectively, of friendship? The harder I attempted to find the answer to that question, the harder I felt my friends pulling back; the harder I felt my mates pulling back, the more painful the whole situation got. And then, one day, I called a really good friend of mine who’s known me for a great many years, hoping to get her take on the situation. After hearing everything I had to say, there was a long pause on the line, causing me to utter a tentative “hello?” into the receiver.

“Dee, if these two ladies aren’t willing to tell you what it is that’s made them so angry with you, it’s likely because they aren’t entirely sure themselves. Go back to your CWG studies, and remember to deal with this situation with love, compassion and understanding. Remember the two questions everybody should be asking themselves before doing anything: Is this who I really am?” and “What would love do now?”

It wasn’t an easy thing to hear, namely because, at the time, I’d felt sorry for myself for so long it was difficult to break the cycle. Secondly, when a person opts to deal with a situation with compassion, understanding and love, I think it’s pretty bloody imperative to have both sides of the story!!! (Which is really my way of saying I want them to do the work here, not me!)And what that attitude tells God/the Universe is that I want to continue feeling betrayed and wronged, and I want them to apologize for talking behind my back at a time when I really needed them the most. Unfortunately, all of those statements are judging statements, and, at the end of the day, judging statements, allegations and anger are only going to craft more of the same. Worse still, as long as I'm waiting on someone else in the sitution to do something to correct things, I'm giving away my power; because now, I'm completely dependant on someone else doing something in order for me to feel happy. How ludicrous is that? No one should ever be willing to give their power away like that, ever!

So, where did that leave me? In a place where I could finally do something about a situation I’ve felt utterly helpless over since it first began. I still haven’t a clue what kicked me mates off like that, nor do I know whether they’re taking a wee break, or plan on just never speaking to me again (which truly would break my heart in wee pieces). I do, however, know that both of these ladies were good friends to me at one time, and that both of them have hearts and minds and emotions just as I do, just as we all do. I also know that at least one of them (and quite likely the other as well) is rather a lonely darling, and as such will tend to do whatever it takes to make friends; as evidenced by her making friends with a lass she had most unsavory words for not a fortnight or two ago.

I also know that whatever’s happened, it’s happened for a reason. I am meant to be precisely where I am at this moment in time, which means, this event with my friends was also meant to happen. Given that, I also know everything will work out fine in the end, as long as I handle the situation with love, understanding and compassion. I could judge them for what I perceive to be ‘wrongs’ against me, but judgment passed is like a sentence passed, you can’t take it back. This has been very difficult for me because, having been bullied in school, I have a huge fear of rejection. To have someone who honestly knows all about me, including my secrets and sins, reject my friendship after this many years is devastating, but it’s not the end of the world.

I have faith that these people are good people. I’ve known one of them for nearly eight years,(the other for nearly three,) and, during that time, anytime there have been problems, we’ve talked it out with one and other. There was one incident where one of them went MIA for a spell, but when she returned she said it was simply a break and nothing I had done. That said, I have faith that we will have an opportunity to talk this out and get things sorted once and for all. These people are not evil people, and I can’t believe they really would do something to hurt me…I don’t want to believe that, and so I refuse too! I believe that everything in this life will work out for the best and better. Until this is sorted, I send white light their way every day the very instant I sense a ‘poor me’ or ‘bad them’ moment pulling me in. They are not bad people, I don’t have bad, nasty people as friends for years and years. They are good people and they are also blunt people, so they will tell me what has gone on, all in good time! Until then, as I say, it’s sending white light and love and focusing on continuing to clean this mess I call a home and continue working with wee one on her modules so she can be back in regular school come fall! While I do all that, traveling to the city once in a while to take care of my health, I just need to focus on the fact that both of these girls are nice, decent, good people who wouldn’t do anything to hurt me; so we will sort this mess out and continue to be friends for each other.

Friends should always be there, through the good, the bad, and the ugly. They never judge, never assume, and never intentionally hurt one and other. Though they will have their differences, their fights, and their times when they just need some space, at the end of the day, their bond will still be too strong for anything to put it asunder. They laugh, cry, talk and share a journey together, showing each other their faults and helping each other correct them in a loving and compassionate way.

I must stop feeling badly for myself, because it is in this that I’ve created a role of victim, and I’m not a bloody victim!! Unfortunately, when you act like something and talk like something, you more than likely have become that something. This is information that causes me to want to retch, but it’s also imperative to my personal growth, and my personal journey. I need to be strong again, in body, in mind, and in spirit. Due to the nature of my health problems, it will be a fight, but I know it will be one well worth it in the end.

No comments: