Friday, April 13, 2007

Going Crazy in a One Horse Town...

It’s been a different kind of a month, this has. One minute, everything seems to be going perfectly, and the next, I’m sure I’m headed for certain disaster. The only thing remaining steadfast, as always, is my role on this universe as mother. It is also the only thing which, regardless of situation or circumstance, I’ve never for one instant regretted or wished away. My daughter has always been my saving grace; this time is no different.

The kind of month I’ve had is the kind of month that gives a person either strong reason to reflect, or strong urges to run. I’ve had the distinct pleasure of experiencing both extremes…sometimes all within a five-minute period! A good friend of mine keeps telling me that I’m expecting rational behavior from irrational people…however my own mind can’t help but wonder if it isn’t me being the irrational one here. As a woman suffering from low self-esteem, I can’t help but wonder if everything that happens isn’t somehow my fault. Because ultimately, I control the universe, and as such, must take responsibility for the actions of all human beings contained hereon.

My struggle this month has been refocusing my attention on myself and my daughter, which is precisely where it needs to be…and precisely where my mind doesn’t wish to be; all at the same time. Give me time! I CAN solve all the worlds’ problems! God, in His/Her/It’s infinite wisdom, gives us care and control of but one being during our stay here…ourselves. Unfortunately, I seem to be having an intensely difficult time both recognizing, and coping, with this happy little truth.

If things carry on in this vein, I am going to have to have a very firm, abrupt little talk with myself. If I refuse to listen, I’m going to have no other recourse than to force me to do one thousand lines, all of which will say, in big bold letters: I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR THE THOUGHTS OR ACTIONS OF ANYBODY EXCEPT MYSELF. I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR…. Et al.

It’s damn hard to remember that, I find, particularly when those about you aren’t acting in the fashion you’d have chosen for them. I do think, however, that we can influence the thoughts and actions of those around us with our own thoughts and actions; which is why it’s so fucking important to remember we ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR THE THOUGHT AND ACTIONS OF ANYBODY EXCEPT OURSELVES. WE ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR…et al.

When I forget this and try to involve myself in the thoughts and actions of others, I tend not to monitor my own with anything like the care and attention I should. Once that happens, it becomes incredibly easy for things to quickly spin out of control. I’ve also relearned the lesson about individuals who feel the need to repeat something again and again to you, more often than not, being guilty of precisely the thing the feel the need to incessantly tell you they could or would, never do.

I’ve allowed myself, over the years, to play a victim role well. Though I believed I had managed to move past that point in my life, it is now crystal clear to me that I had not. The only change I had made was that I stopped dating abusers. Just because I stopped playing the victim for the men in my life, however, doesn’t mean I stopped playing the victim altogether…in fact, despite my own necessary (at the time) denial, it doesn’t mean that AT ALL. In all actuality, the only thing I had changed was whom I played the victim for.

Instead of allowing boyfriends to play the “come here, come here….ah ah ah…get away, get away” game, I started letting certain friends do it. I selected them carefully, or rather we selected each other. The only ones getting away with the behavior were the ones prone to outbursts, capable, and willing, to employ the silent treatment, and happy to have me spend lots money I couldn’t afford on gifts for them or their family while they forget my birthday, and other important occasions.

In these relationships, I made my own choices. My arms were not twisted to buy gifts, or accept unacceptable behaviors. It was a choice I made, and, like all bad choices, it came around to bite me right in the ass. This is partly because all dynamics of this sort must come to an end, and partly because, while I spent all my time thinking about other people, and what I thought they really ought to be doing, I forgot to properly monitor myself. Given that I do suffer from a disassociative disorder, monitoring my own actions/words/ thoughts is VERY, VERY, I CAN’T STRESS THIS ENOUGH, VERY IMPORTANT!!

When I fail to properly monitor myself, people start to see that disorder in different ways, none of them especially endearing, I assure you. One way is the victim mentality I can develop, which can cause those around me to subconsciously develop the perp mentality. Another is, because I will forget I’ve said certain things, and will be switching inside myself enough for me to be putting different points of view from what I’ve said ten minutes ago in front of people. Individuals not familiar with, or understanding about, my disorder are naturally going to have the most difficult time dealing with the symptoms thereof. To be fair, I haven’t told certain friends about the disorder, namely because I got the feeling certain ones were talking behind my back to their friends, and it unsettled me. I got confirmation that this was, in fact, the case not that long ago. As with all things, I blame myself. Befriend a gossip with a taste for libations, and expect a crash of some sort to happen, particularly if the right person to gossip with happens along.

I’d love to be angry about that particular situation, but I can’t be. The situation and the players therein, happened as a result of the individuals involved choosing to believe something they themselves made up as opposed to hearing the truth. Am I to be furious that they won’t listen to what I have to say, let alone grab the balls to tell precisely what it is they have their knickers in such a knot about? Not so much. I asked what had them so riled, was given a run about answer full of assumption, asked again, and received no answer whatsoever. I take this to mean the individuals involved are not in the place to hear me at the moment, and that’s their God given right. Just as it is mine to ignore them.

Hopefully, one day soon, we can sort this matter, and get back to the business of being friends, though only one of them would really be welcome, and then only because, having known this person so long, I know they really do have a kind heart and aren’t like this. I also know I’ve helped them to become the way they now are with me by playing the victim. It is time to change things in the friendship, yes, but I’d just as soon not lose it altogether. That said, only time and, hopefully, conversation will tell.

It’s an interesting thing, losing people you love in your life. Made even more interesting by the fact my health has reached a level where pain and pain control both aids me into a sort of interested nonchalance about the whole issue. The kind of attitude you might expect from an onlooker to the situation, oddly enough. I think it’s to do, also, with the fact I’ve been too hurt before, and thus, this here is nothing short of what was expected.

Hopefully, the time spent working on myself and caring for my family will help this matter also. I firmly believe working on one thing at a time, and slugging it out so you’re tired in a good way at the end of the day is all it takes to work out most situations. I don’t know for sure if it will work this one out as well, but I can only work on what’s in front of me, and the rest has to wait.

I believe I have a lot of work to do on myself. Hopefully, by the time things are sorted with my best mate, I’ll be on a lot firmer ground personally and professionally. It’s needed, I think, for the friendship to continue along productive lines. I can not spend time in the “oh yah? Well, you didn’t call me for two months and then, after letting me worry myself sick for all that time; you come back with “oh, I was taking a break, nothing personal mate! And you should have heard what your new best friend there said about you then!! Oh and after getting up in my face for forgetting your b-day one-year, you forget mine when I’m in ailing health…. Thanks loads!” Because, at the end of the day, both of us had our reasons for doing whatever it is we did, or we wouldn’t have done it. By the time things are sorted with my best mate, I need this kind of petty tallying to be in the past, and firmly so. I also need the junior high gossip to end. None of it is productive to growth, or productive to spiritual and emotional health. We don’t feel good when we hurt people; it’s just human nature to feel that way. So, it stands to reason that one way of feeling really good is to be kind, compassionate and caring to all you meet. That’s what I want for this friendship.

Whether or not such a thing is possible remains to be seen. I’ll keep you posted, though, Internet!

Loads of love,

Dee Janey

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